Studying Strategy

Prof. José Manuel Fonseca

“The president was pissed with me, obviously… but I was not fired, because I was the magician!”

“Wake up people! This is Strategy, good business!”

“Do you understand the problem we have in Europe? We’re doomed!”

“It’s very thin, very tasty, it’s fu--expensive!”

“This delusion that management is management is a delusion…” [whaaat?]

“They were extremely successful in bankrupting companies!”

“Really? I thought we fought, for many years, something called «freedom of speech» – in fact, we invented the fucking concept!”

“I will increase the grades of some people because of two reasons: first, because I can (…)”

“Where you will self inflict – inflict yourself (…)”

Prof. Bernardo Pimentel

“You’re paying a 4€ chocolate bar, why wouldn’t he tell you the story of how he fools you? – I bought it, by the way… – I lost all your respect, right? Well, but it is really good…!”

“The F word. The F shouldn’t be controversial. It should remind you about flowers…”

“It’s not 100% sure that you learn from success; if you’re stupid, you won’t learn!”

“Oh, I should be smarter!” [ao perceber que tinha feito uma pergunta que já estava respondida nos slides, quando um aluno disse a resposta, apontando para o ecrã]

“A rule of thumb is 5 or 6. It’s OK if you give me 5. You can give me 4, I’m totally OK with that. Actually, you can not answer at all!”

“Everything will sell in NYC, because there is someone weird enough to buy it!”

“Fuck, this is a great deal!”

“Don’t be retarded!”

Prof. Mark Wolters

“And then, we are going to talk about horizontal integration – in a non-dirty way!”

“Why would I sell to my competitors? No, no. Fuck you! You’re gone!”

“(…) but I’ve put all my eggs in Joana’s basket!”

Aluno: “What about the textbook?”

Mark: “What about it?”

Aluno: “Don’t we need it?”

Mark: “Guys, I’ve given this class for 4 years and I’ve never opened the textbook…”

inNOVAtion

Sessão de Esclarecimento de Dúvidas acerca dos Programas de Mestrado

Prof. Daniel Traça

“We like to think we’re innovative – you can just say we’re weird!...”

Jogo de Empresa

Prof. Mark Wolters

“How many times have government projections been right? Ah! Ah!”

“«Philosophy people, let’s do a spreadsheet!» / «Oh, I can do that. Here, I can spread these sheets!»”

“Every Tuesday we strike against a government that doesn’t exist anymore…”

“I was a dirty slug, I don’t remember!”

Estratégia

Prof. José Manuel Fonseca

“We are more classy [than Spanish people] – or more dumb…”

“And I’m not the kind of person who mocks other people…”

“I had NO clothes… – well, I had SOME clothes, obviously!”

“I hope you read books, even though they are full of BBB and BLC – Big Bags of Bullshit and Big Loads of Crap.”

Prof. Bernardo Pimentel

“If I started to talk about the Norwegian wood industry, you’d fall asleep – more than you already are.”

“I’m sure you already knew this, I was just trying to draw some nice things on the board” [depois de desenhar um autocarro, um comboio e um avião]

“(…) for chance, which is luck, and for government, which is bad luck!”

Marketing

Prof.ª Paula Matos

“With different amounts of economic levels…”

“Can I give me, myself, the pleasure (…)?”

“We are speaking with the eyes of the distribution!”

“That means that I don’t would have it as a target.”

“These exchanges are grouped… in some groups.”

“A big amount of quantity.”

“We continue next… tomorrow.”

“The consumer, in this case, is not a normal consumer; it’s me, for example.”

“You go out from the downtown” [quando as empresas seleccionam o local para se estabelecerem, p.e. supermercado que se afasta do centro da cidade]

“Don’t think that we live all in the same world, ‘cause we don’t. Bom… Everything clear?”

“Comparission” [comparison]

“We want to maximize the target that is consuming our product. Actually, or in the future.”

Prof. Rafael Garrido

“Here, you have already presented the market butt – budget!”

“If you’re analyzing the country of origin from the country (…)”

Comportamento Organizacional

Prof. Nuno Guimarães da Costa

“Reality is like something that happens…”

“Don’t be like hyenas – they just eat dirt and they’re always laughing…”

“(…) Imagine that one of them is you, and the other one is from Lusófona! *risos* For Erasmus students, it’s a joke, ‘cause Lusófona is lousy!”

“In Roman, in Roman, sorry, in Rome!...”

“The ice is breaked…”

“Amn’t I?!”

“They told me everything. Everything! Good stuff!”

“I don’t want, I don’t want – no, it’s not what I want… – I don’t want – and here I go again…”

Gestão de Operações

Prof. Manuel Baganha

“I’m not just asking a question, I’m also asking what will be my next question.”

Prof.ª Graça Silva

“Já tinha corrigido as notas (…)”

“O que é o Iq? Não é o Ikea, é o Iq…”

“Só para depois não gerar pânico…!”

“Porque é que eu comecei a calcular a probabilidade de P0? Não estou com nenhum delírio, não!”

“Não fiquem assustados com as fórmulas porque elas são o menor dos vossos problemas…!”

Prof: “O Frederico está desatento!”

[…]

Frederico: “A Professora está desatenta!” [depois de a professora ter perguntado o significado de I quando, na realidade, queria perguntar o significado de Tq]

Prof: “A melhor calculadora, teóricas, práticas, tudo! Podem trazer tudo!”

Aluno: “O exame é com consulta?!”

Prof: “Estou a brincar, não podem trazer nada!”

Prof: “Oh amarelo! João! Como é que você se chama?!”

Aluno: “Gonçalo!”

Sistemas de Informação

Prof. Tomasz Miaskiewicz

“No questions on that? No? God, I’m good at this!”

Prof.ª Margarida Piteira

“Tomorrow you will always have 60 points!”

Carnival break

Estratégia

Prof. José Manuel Fonseca

Prof: “Are you from economics?”

Aluna: “Yes.”

Prof: “You’re going to burn in hell...”

Prof: “Oh, that’s a very nasty thought!”

Aluno: “Yeah, but it works!”

Prof. Bernardo Pimentel

“And people were still stupid enough to buy premium”

“Oh, I love this! And this is from the book, not from me.”

Gestão de Operações

Prof. Manuel Baganha

“I’m going to use your argument. Follow me!”

Prof.ª Graça Silva

“Descontracção e estupidez natural ao mesmo tempo!”

“O primeiro passo é abrir o programa.” [a explicar como funciona o MS Project]

“Save us” [save as]

“Olha, apareceu agora! Há coisas que não dá para entender…” [quando, subitamente, o gráfico de Gantt apareceu]

“Quem é que concorda com o Manel? Ninguém? Ainda bem!”

Marketing

Prof.ª Paula Matos

“You are going to put your money to the rubbish” [aka you’re going to throw your money away]

“They don’t valorize your product” [they don’t value]

“I’m going to sell one million of bananas”

“You have 19, 20 (years old)” [you are]

“They are here 2, 3 years and then they go out.”

Semana 3

Jogo de Empresa

Prof. Mark Wolters

“I need a volunteer…” – agarra num aluno ao acaso e levanta-o da cadeira – “Thank you!”

“STOP! They can’t keep up, you’re too smart for them!”

“Yaaaaayyy! Filipe did it!”

“Just because Cristiano Ronaldo knows how to play, you don’t have to listen to what he says, ‘cause he’s kind of… stupid.”

“(…) and because of him I can be here at the best economics faculty in Portugal – if I should thank him? I don’t know…”

“It’s like when a student says «If I was teaching this course …» – well, maybe you’d do a better job than me, so this is a bad example.”

“(…) and if you’re the boss and you think everyone will listen to what you say, you’re fucking crazy!”

“’Cause if you’re a worthless piece of shit no one is going to fucking follow you!”

“You can’t even manage a girlfriend for one week, how can you manage a company for a year?!”

“Oh my God! Is that clock working or is it stopped at the right time?”[acompanhado de uma cara MUITO assustada!]

Estratégia

Prof. José Manuel Fonseca

“It had all sorts of buttons and lights… If you darkened the kitchen, it looked beautiful; it’s just like a Christmas tree!” [a falar sobre uma máquina de lavar loiça]

“Before becoming a professor, I actually worked for 20 years – it’s not something I’m very proud of, but I did.”

“There were people down, promenading their dog – and then I thought to myself «I could have killed a dog!».” [a falar de quando, ao escrever uma tese importantíssima, o computador portátil avariou subitamente e, em jeito de revolta desmedida, o professor pegou nele e o atirou pela janela (das traseiras)]

“(…) and what’s in the book is that bullshit!”

“I will blow your head off while listening to Madonna!” [ao falar de um objecto utilizado para provocar choques eléctricos numa pessoa, que traz consigo um leitor de mp3 (e sim, isto é vendido nos Estados Unidos…!)]

“(…) dull people. Like accountants… People who don’t expect anything from life!”

“When someone gives you Ferrero Rocher, you know that that person doesn’t care a shit about you!”

“Do you feel betrayed by your Strategy Professor? Aaaah, sorry. There will be other disappointments, I promise.”

“Now it’s Snape’s class… Potions!”

“That’s why some people who are missing some teeth go and make some implants: to lie better!”

“Oh, sorry. What an idiot I am!”

“This is my final statement, but this year I’m going to discount this cash flow immediately.”

“It’s a philosopher we have in this country… Teresa Guilherme!”

“No, forget the shareholders; it’s like in real life, they count for nothing.”

“(…) you create a crisis. And then you start writing about ethics. And then… you become a Strategy Professor. Or you become a father or a mother…”

“And when I grabbed the little bastard…” [a falar do nascimento do/a primeiro/a filho/a]

Prof. Bernardo Pimentel

“So they started to open like hell!” [a falar de quando o grupo Jerónimo Martins começou a abrir muitos supermercados Pingo Doce]

“Poor Mickey Mouse and McDonald’s!”

Marketing

Prof.ª Paula Matos

“If I am an agriculture…” [farmer]

“Which is not normally a normal example.”

“(…) better than the «bla bla bla»!”

“(…) but this is more «bla bla bla»!”

“The consumer is a bit limited…”

“People wants to get benefits”

“I’m a white floor” [falando acerca da Farinha (flour) Branca de Neve]

“Have a look on it”

“Because of your Business Forum or whatever!”

Comportamento Organizacional

Prof. Nuno Guimarães da Costa

“Who would NEVER kill someone?” – ninguém se pronuncia – “Who would do it for FUN?!”

Gestão de Operações

Prof. Manuel Baganha

“I cannot reveal everything before class!” [em relação a um conjunto de slides que não estava no site da cadeira]

“480 minutes is how many hours? One day!” [considerando um dia de trabalho de 8 horas]

“We are not never talking about (…)” [afinal, estamos ou não estamos?...]

Prof.ª Graça Silva

“Oh amiguinhos!...”

“Frederico, não olhe p’ra mim com essa cara, que me faz rir!”